<Insert color here> Cheesemen

This one time, I was in my commutative algebra class.... <Pauses here, as I (Alex) had never intended to get past here. Eventually we decided to do one of those go around in circles writing things.>

And so we try again with, This one time, I was in my commutative algebra class...when in walked/hopped a RABBIT, who we decided to call Jared. He had been transmogrified by evil Dan's transmogrification machine which I, and Whalen, and Good Dan had stolen, and had been searching for the fuel to operate.

So the Jared asked where he was, because he had wandered to Washington state from Connecticut. He asked the flagpole, but the flagpole was so engrossed in his commutative algebra class that he didn't answer. So, because he was being ignored, Jared, the bunny, hopped over the fountain which was also in the commutative algebra classroom, at the same time that someone was running up to it from the dining hall, because his team had solved the puzzle hunt. Jared climbed up the flagpole and started nibbling on the flag to get the flagpoles attention. I wanted to ask the bunny what he was doing in my commutative algebra class, so I decided to run up the flagpole after the bunny. Suddenly, gravity changed sideways (it was cross multiplied with another vector parallel to the surface of the earth by a silly linear algebra student who didn't actually know what she was doing), and both Jared and I fell towards the wall and ran into each other.

We both fell into evil Dan who was looking for his transmogrification machine which had been stolen, and Jared asked him where he was. Dan did not answer so Jared bit off his ear in order to get his attention. I noticed the ear, and stole it to add to my ear collection. I put it in my pocket to save for later use. I decided to find Whalen and Good Dan so that we could find fuel for our transmogrification machine so that we could turn Jared back into a Chocobo because Susan said he should be. Dan went up to Whalen who was arguing with Wofsey over what the existence of a bracket on a TCS problem set would make a language be. Dan asked Whalen where they could get fuel for the Transmogrification machine. Whalen said that we should all go to Andover so that we could find Dr. Haggler, who was the expert on transmogrification machine fuel.

We did not want to walk all the way back to Massachusetts from the University of Puget Sound, so we invented nanobots to insert into our blood, so that we could transport to Andover. We landed in Rabbit pond, and were all very cold and wet, so we crawled out of the muck and lay on the ground staring at the stars. Whalen made some silly comment about the fact that Rabbit Cluster didn't actually exist anymore, but we all ignored him. We decided that our nanobots were so awesome, that we should patent them, and so we walked (Jared was hopping) over to the local Andover Patent Office, but it was locked. As we were walking back to find Dr. Hagler, someone remembered that we had nanobot transportation technology in our blood, so we all transported ourselves into the Patent Office. Instead of filling out all the forms, we decided to invent more nanobots, because clearly it was faster, which would fill out the forms for us. The first time, though, we messed up and they ended up writing a patent for the stars. We did not know this though because we were too lazy to actually read through all the documents. Besides we had forgotten how to read at Math Camp. In the morning, the Patent Officer came into the office, and granted our patent for the stars. He asked us if we had permission to have the forms, but we just nodded and smiled and so he assumed we meant yes. Upon finding out that we had actually patented the stars, someone mentioned that it was probably a good thing because Kym had already patented Nanobot Transportation Technology™. I mentioned that since we had patented stars in concentric circles we could probably use Algebraic Geometry from our commutative ring theory class we had abandoned.

On our way back to Campus we passed the DSL where were heard lots of really strange noises from lots of really strange people. Jared said that we should totally record this and release it as a record because it sounded awesome. We didn't have any recording equipment, so we invented more nanobots (which is clearly easier than getting a tape recorder) which would record the sound. The nanobots, however, couldn't actually hear anything because they were so much smaller than the wavelength of the sound. We decided to array our nanobot recorders in a very large array (aka a bucket) and we attempted to aim our bucket at the stars. We fail at throwing, however, so we ended up hitting the moon (which is in the sky but is not a star) and made nanocraters in the moon. With our nanobot array in place on the moon we over heard the Cheese Men debating which cheese was better. We wanted to convince them that American cheese wasn't better than all others, so we went to the Philomathean society (who was busy discussing the merits of round tables versus square tables) and asked them to teach us to debate. We got bored, though, so we decided to abduct them and send them through our nanobot transportation technology to the moon to debate with the Cheese Men. The Philomathean society owned the Blue Cheese Men, but only came in second, because they got owned by the Green Cheese Men who had gotten bored of listening to the Bucket people on Jupiter argue about whose Antennae were longer. (The Philo members could only speak Latin and so the nanobots translated for them.) The Green cheese men were happy that they won the debate but they wanted to get even better to ensure that they would win next year too, so they decided to hire a debate teacher.

The wanted to get Dr. Hagler who was not only the expert on Transmogrification machine fuel but also the expert on debating, so they used their mad debating skills to convince the nanobots to work for them and go back to Earth and kidnap Dr. Hagler. While the nanobots were in the process of abducting Dr. Hagler, Agent Prester came in. (He was looking to Dr. Hagler for being a mad scientist.) The nanobots did not want Agent Prester to take Dr. Hagler, so they tied his shoelaces together and made him fall over. Jared wandered in because he had gotten bored with Whalen, Dan, and me. Jared started yelling I'm Late, I'm late, for a very important date! and ran around the room until he was dizzy and tripped over a nanobot and landed on on Agent Prester. He noticed that Agent Prester had two ears so Jared bit half of each of them off and sewed them together. Then I came into the room, because I was looking for Dr. Hagler to ask him about the fuel, and I noticed that Jared had an ear. I stole the ear to add to my collection and put it in my pocket to save for later use. The two ears in my pocket were given legs by the nanobots who felt sorry for them. Once they (the ears) had legs, they crawled out of my pocket and fell in love. They wanted to kiss each other but they couldn't because they didn't have lips so instead they whispered to each other and said, Your voice, its so silky and smooth. They wanted to hug each other, but they did not have arms so one crawled into the other and they snuggled together. Dr. Hagler then made a brilliant discovery, and decided that ear love would make the perfect fuel for the Transmogrification Machine.

(The authors regret to inform you that they could not remember the actual continuity of the story at this place and so have replaced.)

Dr. Hagler wanted to give them some honey and send them to the moon, but he did not have actual honey, and so instead substituted commons syrup, which he poured into their ears. The ears did not like having commons syrup poured through them, so they clenched together incredibly quickly, and propelled out the syrup, thus sending them into space. (The Original story will now resume.) The ears bounced off of the moon, and still had enough escape velocity to go shooting towards Mars (past the communal brain that is aiding Agent Prester on his quest) and were sling-shotted around Jupiter and back to earth where they crashed landed into Commons. The Green Cheese men had seen them bounce off of the moon, and had assumed that they combined to make the great Dr. Hagler, and so decided to follow them. Having landed in commons, they noticed the blue cheese dressing. They decided they were clearly superior to blue cheese (after all they had owned them at debate) and so they kicked the blue cheese out of the dressing and replaced it with themselves. One of the blue cheese men was running away from the green cheese men and tripped over a hydrogen atom which was lying around.

The green cheese started photosynthesizing and so made the dressing around it very sweet. The dressing was too sweet, however, so the health inspector police people came to Commons and complained about the illegal sweetness. They wanted to talk to the commons people to ask them to remove the green cheese dressing, but the Commons workers only spoke Spanish. The nanobots attempted to fix the problem by crawling into the Commons workers brains, and teaching them Latin. They realized that the health inspectors couldn't speak Latin, so they attempted to teach them Latin too. They were slightly flawed, however, so they ended up teaching them Japanese instead.

The nanobots then spread out across the world attempting to teach everyone the same language, but they ended up teaching everyone ancient Greek. Google realized that no one would be able to use them anymore because they were not Unicode enabled. In order to fix this, the nanobots used the transmogrification machine to change Google into Yodinc (who used Unicode). Yodinc had a monopoly on the Internet because no one else used Unicode. To take advantage of their monopoly they decided to sell personal Internets to the Presidents of all the countries in the world. Each president was so happy to have his own Internet, none of which worked with the other Internets, because his own was clearly superior to the others. The presidents used nanobots to sabotage the other president's Internets.

Over time, all the other languages died out (Ancient Greek for the second time) and were replaced with Linear B. There was, however, one lone Philomathean member, who still spoke Latin. He decided to debate God over the nature of the universe, but God did not want to debate him, so he said I am a tree, and stood still for a very long time. George, the Philomathean member, got bored because God was not debating him, and so he pulled out an ax, and tried to chop down the tree. The tree, however, kept on hopping backwards, so George couldn't actually cut him down. George's father came out of the house, and asked George why he was chopping down the cherry tree.

George said, I'm not chopping down a cherry tree, its an oak tree. George's father warned him not to lie, and so George said You are right father. I cannot tell a lie, so I will tell you the truth, it was a maple tree. The dad was very upset that George was chopping down the cheery tree, because he had been getting Maple Syrup from the Maple tree. George did not want to look in his father's eye, so he stared up at the sky. He noticed that 700,000 grains of orange rice were flying in from the milky way. Just as he was about to take some, a girl popped in and said You can't take those grains of rice, I claim then as my own. You promised me 1,2,4,8 and so on grains of rice each day, and you still owe me a lot.

She claimed all the rice as her own and so had a monopoly, She wanted to sell the grains of orange rice at a high price (the massive supply was concentrated in one person so she thought the price would be high) but they were not as nutritious as regular rice, and they screamed every time they touched porcelain, metal, or plastic. Thus the only people who could eat the rice were the high energy Physicists who had electromagnetic containment fields. Eventually the rice got mad that they were trapped in the field, so they started throwing electrons at the physicists. The physicists said, Whoa, that's awesome, the electrons are moving faster than the speed of light, and started worshiping the orange rice, in the nanoseconds before their death. This new religion took over the universe, and the god tree fell over finally, dead. Linear B, the current language, quickly evolved into Mailbox, to fit with the changing religion.

Once they died, the physicists went to heaven, where they were able to get exact data, with infinitely many significant figures. Unfortunately, the students were stuck on earth, where they couldn't get infinitely precise data. Moreover, even if they made up data, it would take them infinitely wrong to write it. (Haskell or lazy evaluation might help, but the sloth is a sin, so lazy evaluation was not allowed in heaven.) Therefore, the professors constantly took off points, making the classes hell on earth. As the students began to die, they started to arrive in heaven. There, they found relief from their chores on earth --- not only did they grow faster at writing (a digit took half a second at the start), but they wrote later digits in a single number even faster. The second digit took 1/4 seconds, the third 1/8, and so forth. Any number, with infinitely many digits, took one second to write.

The physicists were growing hungry, particularly for roasted marshmallows. It thus seemed unfortunate that the students discovered the live marshmallows who had been dancing and singing around a fire. They got too close, and began to cook. The physics students tried to take advantage of the cooking marshmallows to get food. However, the physicists came upon the fire, so they kicked out the students, claiming the fire was energy transfer, and thus the high energy physicists had an important role. Once the marshmallows roasted themselves, the physicists ate the marshmallows. As they ate, the scientists noticed a new tree, glowing with 1235136132.32512351...photons/(square nanometer x nanosecond), a unit which they renamed a truffula.

However, although the scientists acted quickly, they failed to rename the unit quickly enough for the nanobots. They immediately sued, claiming trademark infringement on the phrase nano. However, the MFA immediately countersued, claiming that the technology and all related trademarks belonged not to the bots, but to their creators at Mathcamp. Nanobot Transportation Technology™ owned by Kym, counter-counter-sued, pointing out that Kym owned the patents and commercial company, and thus trademarks resided with them. The case is still in progress in the Massachusetts courts.